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20 things I have learned in 50 years (by Dave Barry) 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. 5. A penny saved is worthless. 6. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Millions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies. 7. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 8. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. 9. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11 . 10. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 11. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 12. Nobody is normal. 13. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 14. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 15. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes. 16. You should not confuse your career with your life. 17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 18. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 19. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 20. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. Last update: 07-03-2008 19:52
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